How to be Helpful When Your Child is Being Bullied
Your child comes home and you notice something is different…something feels off. They may not be forthcoming with what is going on. You may notice they are more angry, spend more time alone, appear depressed or don’t want to eat. They may or may not tell you much of anything, even when you repeatedly ask. They may only tell you a little. They may be a target of bullying.
Children oftentimes don’t tell their parents they are being bullied. There are many potential reasons why:
- They are ashamed
- They fear retaliation if they tell someone
- They told an adult at school and the adult didn’t help them
- They don’t believe you can help them
- They believe they have done something to deserve the bullying
- They believe that bullying is just part of growing up
Our experience with our son and the experience of many families we have supported is that the child only tells his caretakers about some of the torments they are experiencing. It can come out gradually. It wasn’t until about 6 months after my son was removed from his school did we learn about the daily physical bullying he endured.
Playing detective with our children seems to be an important part of parenthood. It is important as a caretaker to take notice of actions your child may be exhibiting. Bullying can cause big changes in our children. Some things to be on the lookout for are:
- An abrupt lack of interest in school or a refusal to attend school
- A sudden drop in grades
- Wanting to withdraw from activities
- Wanting to be left alone
- Appears depressed
- Begins using derogatory and demeaning language about their peers
- Physical injuries not consistent with their explanation
- Stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks
- Big changes in sleep
Obtaining information from a child who is in crisis can be challenging. It is a good time to ask open-ended questions that don’t require a yes or no answer. Ask about who your child had lunch with, what is their least favorite class and why, and who they hung out with on the playground. The car drive home from school with my son was where he first began talking about being bullied.
We also strongly suggest that if your child comes to you to talk about being bullied, the best thing you can do is listen. It is time to close the computer, put the phone on silent and turn off the TV. It can been incredibly frightening and emotional to hear our child expressing the bullying they are enduring. Here are some “do’s” to help your child immediately.
- Let them know you hear them, you believe them and that they are not alone in walking through this.
- Assure you child that it is not their fault. They did nothing to deserve to be bullied.
- Assure them that together you will go through this. Let them know they are not alone.
- Report the bullying incident(s) to the school. We recommend to always report in writing. Even if the incident(s) were reported in person, follow up with an email.
Just as important to have appropriate, helpful “do’s”, there are specific “don’ts” to avoid.
- Don’t minimize, rationalize or explain away the bullying behavior.
- Don’t rush to solve the problem. Take the time to listen, to hear the concerns your child may have, and work through the bullying together.
- Don’t tell your child to avoid or ignore the bully. This sends a message that your child did something wrong. Once again, your child did nothing to deserve this.
- It isn’t a good idea to confront the child who is bullying or his parents alone. It is best to work through the school.
Bullying can have an extreme impact on the entire family. The more quickly and calmly it is reported and addressed, the better. Every bullying incident should be reported. If your child’s school isn’t addressing the bullying or isn’t taking any action, please reach out to us. We are here to support, listen, advocate and help. No child deserves to be bullied.
“There ain’t no hood like parenthood” – author unknown