The Pain of Losing a Friend to Bullying
By Dru Ahlborg, Executive Director BRRC
Friendship is supposed to feel safe. So, when a friend becomes the person causing harm, the confusion and pain can cut especially deep for both the child and the adults who love them.
You may have heard the term “frenemy,” but let’s be clear: true friends are not enemies. While friends may compete or disagree, there is a clear line. When behavior becomes intentional, repeated, and hurtful and continues after being asked to stop that line has been crossed into bullying.
Can a Friend Really Be a Bully?
Yes. According to PACER, “If you are experiencing treatment from a friend that hurts you and you’ve asked them to stop, but it continues, that behavior is no longer friendship – it may be bullying.”
This type of bullying is often relational (or social) bullying, and it can be especially damaging because it comes from someone a child once trusted.
What Is Relational Bullying?
Relational bullying is harder to spot and often happens quietly. It’s about power, control, and social standing and it frequently shows up as:
- Exclusion or shunning
- Gossip or rumors
- Gaslighting
- Public embarrassment
- Withdrawing friendship as punishment
Because this behavior is rooted in broken trust, many targets say it hurts more than physical bullying.
As a parent, I’ve seen this firsthand. Both of my children were bullied by kids who were once close friends – kids who shared meals in our home and played in our backyard. Years later, my son will tell you that friends turning against him was more painful than any physical harm he endured.
How Caregivers Can Support a Child When a Friend Becomes the Bully
Watching this unfold is heartbreaking and it’s also an opportunity to help your child build resilience and healthy boundaries.
Consider these steps:
- Don’t encourage laughing it off. That can unintentionally give permission for the behavior to continue.
- Support an honest conversation. If safe, encourage your child to privately explain how the behavior made them feel. A true friend will listen, apologize, and change.
- Practice assertive responses. Simple statements like, “That’s not okay,” can be empowering.
- Help them walk away from toxic relationships. Friendships should not involve constant criticism, manipulation, or exclusion.
- Create space for feelings. Losing a friend can bring grief, anger, confusion, and sadness. As a parent or caregiver we should listen and validate those feelings.
What Healthy, Bully-Proof Friendships Look Like
Strong friendships share common qualities. Healthy friends:
- Treat each other as equals
- Are honest and trustworthy
- Celebrate one another’s successes
- Stand up for each other (they are upstanders)
- Support other friendships
- Are authentic
- Don’t use peer pressure
A Final Thought
Research shows that children and teens are often bullied by people they know well including friends and friends-of-friends. This makes your role as a caring, trusted adult even more important.
Helping children understand what healthy friendship looks like and reminding them that they deserve respect is a powerful step toward healing and confidence. At BRRC, we believe no child should have to navigate these painful experiences alone.
“Friends don’t always agree – but they don’t deliberately try to hurt you. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.”
— Parent of a bullied child
