UPSTANDERS – The Why and How

By Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

A bystander is someone who is present at an event or incident and does not take part. In the realm of bullying a bystander is someone who witnesses bullying either in person or online and does not get involved. Bystanders often have an opportunity to make a positive difference in a bullying situation and become an upstander.  An upstander is someone who sees what happens and intervenes, interrupts, or speaks up to stop the bullying.

“In the end we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”   Martin Luther King Jr.

Adolescents who are targets of bullying often feel even more alone because there are witnesses (bystanders) who do nothing. When no one intervenes, the person who is targeted will feel that the bystanders don’t care of worse, that the bystander agrees with the bullying that is taking place. It is estimated that 80% of the time bullying occurs it is in the presence of bystanders. Bystanders intervene less than 20% of the time.

Why do children who witness bullying, know it is wrong and not intervene? There can be many reasons. They may be afraid of retaliation or becoming the next target of bullying. There may be a fear of negative social consequences. Maybe they feel like the bullying behavior is somehow okay. They may feel that the target did something to deserve the bullying.

There is also the theory of the bystander effect. The bystander effect occurs when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening in an emergency situation, against a bully, or during an assault or other crime. The greater the number of bystanders, the less likely it is for any one of them to provide help to the person in distress.

Moving from a witness/bystander to an upstander takes work, courage, empathy, and a desire to disrupt inappropriate behavior. Lehigh University documented 5 steps to take when witnessing to a problematic or potentially problematic situation:

1. Notice the event – Pay attention to what is going on around you.
2. Interpret if it is a problem – Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is in need of help. Error on the side of caution and investigate. Don’t be sidetracked by ambiguity, conformity or peer pressure.
3. Accept responsibility – Do not assume someone else will do something. Have the courage to be the first to respond. If it isn’t you, then who?
4. Know how to help – Don’t put yourself in harm’s way but do attempt to do something. Tactics can be direct or indirect.
5. Implement the help.

The month of October is Bullying Prevention month and BRRC has included a post everyday about upstander behavior. (#31daysofupstanders) I encourage you to look at our BRRC Facebook or Instagram page to learn more facts, actions and benefits of being an upstander. The best reason is that upstanders can save lives.

Moving from being a bystander to becoming an upstander may not happen overnight. It may start with becoming more aware of bullying behavior and how it is affecting the lives of our peers.  Upstanders are able to see the pain the target experiences and take action.

Stompoutbullying.com offers ways to bridge behavior to becoming an upstander:

• Don’t laugh
• Don’t encourage the bully in any way
• Don’t participate
• Stay at a safe distance and help the target get away
• Don’t become an “audience” for the bully
• Reach out in friendship
• Help the victim in any way you can
• Support the victim in private
• If you notice someone being isolated from others, invite them to join you
• Include the victim in some of your activities
• Tell an adult

We can model and speak to our children about upstander behavior.  Doing nothing about bullying sends a message to the bully that their behavior is acceptable.

Talk to your children about what it means to be an upstander.  Ask them if they have witnessed bullying.  Brainstorm ideas about how they might engage the next time they see someone in need of an upstander.  When we all feel empowered to take action – even a small one – we build a world of upstanders.

It is important to deal with the bullying your child is going through. Looking the other way or ignoring it can be incredibly detrimental. The process of working through the bullying and stopping it can be long, challenging and tedious. We recommend always placing the needs of the bullying target first and make sure they are safe. Consider obtaining mental health services if your child is depressed, anxious or suicidal. We recommend never ignoring the threat of suicide as it is always a cry for help.

At BRRC, we are here to help when your child is being bullied and the school isn’t doing the right thing, or anything about it. We are here to help empower you to hold the school responsible to stop the bullying. We are here to assist you in supporting your child.

We stop bullying today to begin recovery tomorrow.

The Intersection of Bullying and Youth Suicide

By Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

September is Suicide Prevention Month. It is a month that is dedicated to starting the conversation about suicide, providing support and directing help to those who need it. It is about all of us making efforts to prevent suicides and save lives. It is month to learn that help is always available. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 988 and can be accessed by phone or text at any time. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

There is a link between bullying and suicide. It is a topic that is challenging to discuss and too important not to. Stories about bullied teens taking their lives permeates the news we read and breaks the hearts of countless family members and friends. It is important to contemplate the complexity that drives bullying targets from depression and hopelessness to ideation and action.

Bullying targets are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-targets according to a Yale University study.

Suicide on its own is a complex issue affecting our youth at alarming rates. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report nationally “youth and young adults ages 10-24 years account for 15% of all suicides. The suicide rate for this group is 11.0 suicides per 100,000 and is the 2^nd leading cause of death for this age group. Additionally, national suicide rates for this age group increased 52.2% between 2001-2021.” The numbers closer to home are even bleaker. According to the Colorado Children’s Campaign, “In 2020, Colorado’s teen suicide rate remained at a historically high level: a rate of 21.6 suicides per 100,000 teens ages 15-19, representing 83 young people who tragically lost their lives by suicide.”

Many times, but not always there are other factors that play a part in teen suicide. Such pre-existing conditions can be mental and behavioral disorders, childhood trauma or severe nutritional deficiencies. Also, bullying can be a catalyst for suicide. Bullying targets often experience feelings of powerlessness, anxiety and depression. They may experience PTSD. We know bullying can have a long-lasting negative impact on both the bullying target and the child who engages in bullying acts. It is important to take bullying seriously and to take measures to stop it as quickly as possible.

Nearly one-quarter of 10^th graders who reported being bullied also reported having made a suicide attempt in the last 12 months according to a Washington State Healthy Youth Survey.

Look for signs of bullying:

Parents, caregivers and trusted adults should keep an eye out for sudden changes in children’s moods. Signs that a child might be a target for bullying can include a child appearing more anxious or sad. The adolescent may indicate that they have fewer or no friends or begin having unexplained headaches and stomach aches. A child requesting to not ride the bus or quitting activities may be a sign that they are being bullied.

Look for signs of depression:

At BRRC, we always question the parents we serve about the mental health of their child. We know that bullying can lead to depression and hopelessness and it is very important that it is addressed. Some common signs of depression can include a drop in grades, withdrawing, sleeping more, unexplained crying and excessive anger.

Look for the signs of suicide:

People who are contemplating suicide may become moody and appear hopeless. They may experience changes in their personality. Many times suicidal people will stop contact with others and lose interest in day-to-day activities. Pay attention if they start to clean out their personal items or give away treasured things.

We strongly suggest that parents who suspect their child is contemplating suicide seek help. It is okay to talk to our children about suicide and ask them if they have a plan. There are wonderful services for mental health both immediately and long-term. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available for caregivers as well: 1-800-273-8255.

Among 15 to 24-year-olds, suicide is one of the leading causes of death according to Suicide Awareness Voices for Education. Additionally, 16% of students consider suicide; 13% create a plan, and 8% have made a serious attempt.

It is important to deal with the bullying your child is going through. Looking the other way or ignoring it can be incredibly detrimental. The process of working through the bullying and stopping it can be long, challenging and tedious. We recommend always placing the needs of the bullying target first and make sure they are safe. Consider obtaining mental health services if your child is depressed, anxious or suicidal. We recommend never ignoring the threat of suicide as it is always a cry for help.

At BRRC, we are here to help when your child is being bullied and the school isn’t doing the right thing, or anything about it. We are here to help empower you to hold the school responsible to stop the bullying. We are here to assist you in supporting your child.

We stop bullying today to begin recovery tomorrow.

Our Why

By Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

School is back in session for darn near everyone in Colorado. It is a time of year that used to hold the promise of new beginnings and the hope of a few moments to catch my breath before the autumn and winter holidays come crashing in. This year, I don’t have those feelings. Back to school means our advocacy picks up and the phone starts to ring. For thousands of children it means stress, fear and anxiety especially if they have been a target of bullying in the past.

My husband and I founded BRRC after our son was relentlessly bullied in middle-school. We became experts about bullying. We determined what we did well and how we could have improved our actions as we waded through the aftermath of the trauma our family. had endured. My son switched schools and eventually began to acclimate to a new environment. He participated in volunteer work and did a great deal of emotional work as he recovered. My husband and I co-founded BRRC with the aspiration to help other families just like ours who were left hurt, dumbfounded and traumatized. We didn’t want other families to go through the aftermath of severe bullying alone. We wanted to become a life-preserver in the deep-end of the pool. We empower parents and caregivers of children to report bullying and to advocate for the school to stop the bullying. No family should have to go through this alone.

I’ll be honest, this work is challenging. We have many heart-wrenching stories about children across our state that have endured tremendous pain and torment at the hands of someone who exploited their power over them.  Bullying takes place at school, on playgrounds, on the child’s way home and online. Advocating for bullied children is oftentimes highly emotional. Many times, a desired outcome is not achieved. Quite often the child who has endured bullying is the one who moves to a different school, district or to home-schooling. It just isn’t fair that a person targeted is the one who is required to make changes when a school neglects to make school safe for a bullied child.

Our why and our reason for BRRC is always to help a child who is being bullied. Our work with caregivers lets bullying targets know that someone other than their family has their back. They feel less alone. We are incredibly passionate that a bullied child knows they did nothing to deserve to be bullied and that they receive the reassurance and support they need to walk through their trauma.

About a week ago we received news that the child of one of our very first families was moving into her college dorm as a freshman. During her time with us we were quite fearful for her mental well-being, and now she is excited to start her college adventures. We hear about children and young adults we have served that have become upstanders and watch out and speak up for their peers. We have been blessed to learn of first jobs and prom outings from our families. We are making a dent. We are helping to rebuild lives. We thank you for your support and letting us serve many amazing families in Colorado.

Three Suggestions for Parent

By Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

Can you believe it’s almost time to start a new school year? My hope for this time of year is for the necessity of our organization to be less. I hope the magic of summer and sunshine will make people’s interactions kinder. My desire is that schools take the summer and determine the best ways to stop bullying. I sincerely hope children dealing with the traumas of bullying experience some healing and fun over the summer months. Hey, an Executive Director can dream…right?

Our organization, BRRC is a nonprofit dedicated to providing the resources, education and advocacy needed to stop bullying and stem the long-term effects bullying has on its targets. We empower families across Colorado to defend their bullied child and hold the school responsible to stop the bullying. Despite all the hopes I have, we are preparing for a busy school year and are training new advocates this summer. We are here to serve the families of bullied children.

According to Stopbullying.gov, “bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time.” According to the 2019 National Bureau of Educational Statistics, nationwide about 22% of students between 12-18 experience bullying. Closer to home, The Cyberbullying Research Center reports that in 2019 in Colorado 65.8% of youth stated they have been bullied in the last 30 days. (That is up almost 15% in three years.) This is a harrowing problem that can create trauma and negative impacts for everyone involved including the bullying target, the adolescent engaging in bullying acts, the bystanders and the family of the bullying target.

As a professional in the trenches of bullying there are three items I would like to instill about bullying as we begin preparing for the school year.

Bullying must be STOPPED. It is not negotiated, and certainly not dealt with using conflict resolution tactics. 
For an event to be bullying, there is always an exploitation of an imbalance of power. Asking a target of bullying and the aggressor to shake hands and move on isn’t appropriate. We certainly wouldn’t ask an adult who was assaulted to just move on. The needs of both the children need to be addressed and the aggressor should have a reasonable consequence for their action.

If your child shares with you they are being bullied, drop everything and truly listen. 
A child’s “job” is to attend school and to be successful in that endeavor. That can include academic grades, sports, social status and friendships. Failing at one or more of these can be absolutely humiliating, and it can be incredibly challenging for a child to verbalize they are being bullied. Listening is key and asking open-ended, non-judgmental questions will be helpful. Be aware that very often a young person will share just a part of the humiliation they are going through. The information can come out in tiny amounts over time. We advise that parents stay calm and together with their child, come up with steps to work through it together. It is important to let your child know they did nothing wrong and it is not acceptable that they are being bullied.

Upstanders. Become one. Teach and coach your child to become one. Acknowledge those who are an upstander.
The dictionary defines an upstander as “a person who speaks or acts in support of an individual or cause, particularly someone who intervenes on behalf of a person being attacked or bullied.”

Upstanders can save lives. Bullying stops within 20 seconds, 57% of the time when someone acts on behalf of the person being bullied. The act of being an upstander can include intervening during a bullying event and also showing care and support to the bullying target after a bullying event. Reporting bullying as a witness is the act of an upstander. Adults who implement these behaviors and talk to their children about it will help raise children who are willing to take a stand and defend others.

My hope is that you and your family are enjoying the last few days/weeks of summer. If your child experiences bullying and the school isn’t taking it seriously, isn’t attempting to stop it, or is completely ignoring your reporting of it, please feel free to contact us. We can help.

We stop bullying today to start recovery tomorrow.