Teen Mental Health
We Need to Talk About it

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As a parent of two children and an Executive Director of a charity that combats bullying, I am deeply passionate about mental health and specifically about adolescent mental health.  I am now trained in Youth Mental Health First Aid and am grateful to have participated in the “We Got This” Youth Mental Health Summit in Denver this month.

The stressors and anxiety our teens are under has never been greater and it is taking the ultimate toll. Over the past three years, Colorado’s teen suicide rates have risen 58%, making Colorado the sixth-worst state for teen suicides according to a study by the United Health Foundation. (This is nearly double the national growth rate!)  Furthermore, suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States—starting with children at age 10 all the way up to adults at age 33. Mental health goes beyond suicide. The World Health Organization in November 2021 announced these key facts:

• Globally, one in seven 10-19-year-olds experiences a mental disorder, accounting for 13% of the global burden of disease in this age group.
• Depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders are among the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents.
• Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15–19-year-olds.
• The consequences of failing to address adolescent mental health conditions extend to adulthood, impairing both physical and mental health and limiting opportunities to lead fulfilling lives as adults.

These figures are alarming! Our youth are crying out for help.

I often speak about how we as parents and caregivers are required to outfit ourselves in a superhero cape when it comes to taking care of our kiddos. In bullying, it is up to us as adults to stand up for children who are targets of bullying. It requires us to stand tall, become brave and take some deep breaths and methodically advocate for our kids. The superhero, all hands-on deck mentality applies for children burdened with mental illness as well. It should not come as a surprise that children who are relentlessly bullied very often experience depression, anxiety, PTSD and suicidal ideation. 

What follows are some wonderful pointers I heard from The Liv Project in their presentation entitled “Fearless Communication and Parenting – Pushing Past Stigma to Support Those You Love.” (Make sure you read about the Liv Project as our featured Champion of the Month below.)  Honey Beuf, Executive Director of The Liv Project offered this insight when helping our teens and youth with mental health concerns:

1. If you as a parent sense something is wrong, then it probably is.
2. Pay attention to changes in behavior. (Mood, sleeping behavior, eating, grades, change in friends, no friends, etc.)
3. Be on the lookout for children having a lack of interest in things that used to interest them.
4. It is not your problem to solve, but rather an opportunity for you as a parent or caregiver to listen, express empathy, love them no matter what, and really listen to all that they are willing to share.
5. Take the opportunity to place suicide numbers in their phone.
6. Know that talking about suicide does NOT make someone commit suicide. Being able to talk about those feeling will bring a sense of relief.
7. Almost everyone has a crisis. They need your help.
8. Ask your child how they are feeling emotionally rather than “how was your day?”

Parents and family members play a pivotal role in helping children navigate depression, anxiety and stress. It is worth our energy and time to ask ourselves some questions and model positive behavior:

• Am I normalizing talk about mental health? 
• Do I ask others for help? 
• Do I offer an environment that is judgement-free and caring? 
• How do I de-stress? 
• Am I open about my own mental health struggles?
• Do I make time to listen?
• Do I lecture or do I listen?
• Do I empathize or do I problem solve?
• Do I use social media to boost my self-esteem, or does it make me anxious? 

Helping our youth with their mental health struggles is a partnership. It requires patience, understanding, deep care and love. It isn’t an easy walk and necessitates us to keep that superhero cape firmly attached around our neck. It requires an empathetic ear and some self-reflection too. The journey is laborious AND it is most certainly worth it.

By Dru Ahlborg
Executive Director
Bullying Recovery Resource Center

Bullying Targets

Truths and Myths About Bullying Targets

One out of every five (20.2%) students report being bullied.
41% of students who reported being bullied at school indicated that they think the bullying would happen again.
– National Center for Educational Statistics, 2019

The bullying problem isn’t going away.  Our organization has been overwhelmed this year speaking with parents and caregivers of bullying targets. We are advising families in the Denver-metropolitan area and across the state. We have been able to offer advice to families outside of Colorado as well. The reasons why a child is bullied are varied and wide. Almost any child can become a target of bullying however there are certain populations of students whose characteristics increase their chance of becoming a target of a bully. It is important to note that a child who is targeted should not try to change those characteristics as bullying is about a wrong choice made by the child who is the aggressor.

Very Well Family identifies groups of children most likely to be bullied as the following:

• Successful, intelligent, determined and/or creative children – Kids who are good at what they do, or are successful oftentimes will get bullied. Children in this category become targets because the bully may feel insecure or jealous. Jealousy may arise from the attention children receive for their talents or determination, or jealousy may arise from the abilities these children possess.
• Vulnerable children – Young people who are introverted, anxious or submissive may find themselves more likely to be bullied than their peers. Children who bully are careful at selecting whom to target and will oftentimes find those who are less likely to fight back. Research shows that children suffering from depression or stress-related conditions are more likely to be bullied and it will make those conditions worse.
• Children who isolate – Many targets of bullying will have fewer friends than their peers. Research shows that if a child has at least one friend, the chances of them being bullied reduces. Parents and teachers can help isolating children by assisting them to develop social skills and friendships. Peers can aid these children by befriending them and asking them to join them in activities.
• Popular kids – Adolescents who are well-liked or popular may be bullied because they pose a threat to the child who is bullying them. Children in this category often experience relational bullying where the aggressor is attempting to spread rumors, shun or discredit them.
• Youth who have a distinctive physical appearance – Almost any physical characteristic that is unique can attract the attention of bullies. The best way to combat this type of bullying is to take away the audience. Children who are upstanders can make a powerful impact with this type of bully.
• Kids who have an illness or disability – Children who are on the spectrum, have ADHD, dyslexia, Down syndrome or any other condition that sets them apart can fall prey to bullying. Also in this category are children who have food allergies, asthma or other ailments. The best deterrent to this type of bullying is a school culture where this type of mind-set is frowned upon.
• Adolescents who have different sexual orientation or gender identity than traditional models – Some of the most brutal bullying has happened due to a child’s sexual orientation. This type of bullying left unabated can result in hate crimes. A school environment who offers strong support networks for LGBTQ+ children can reduce this type of bullying and provide a safe haven.
• Religious or cultural beliefs – There is rise to this type of bullying when specific cultures or religious bodies make the news in a negative way. This type of bullying generally stems from a lack of understanding and tolerance.
• Children of a differing race – Here again, children are bullied because they look different from their peers. This also stems from a lack of understanding and tolerance.

Children who are bullying targets need to be reminded that they are not to blame. Characteristics of individuals are exploited by bullies and used to cause harm. No child ever deserves to be bullied.

There are many myths about bullying. It is important to learn about these falsehoods and understand why they are untrue. Bullying can create trauma for the target, and the following assertions can further increase the pain for children.

The following are statements about bullying that are indeed untrue and hurtful:

• Bullying is just a stage or a normal part of life. Bullying is not normal and acceptance of it gives the bullies more power.
• Bullying will make kids tougher. Research has shown it often has the opposite effect and will lower a child’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Bullying often creates anxiety and fear for a child.
• People are born bullies. Bullying is a learned behavior and can be changed. As human beings, we do not come into this world with hatred and scorn.
• Some people deserve to be bullied. No one ever deserves to be hurt or harmed by bullying.
• Reporting a bully will make it wors Notifying caring adults in charge will allow them to take appropriate measures to stop the bullying. Statistics state that only 25-50% of bullying targets will talk to an adult about the bullying.
• Bullying is easy to recognize. Physical bullying, if done where an adult is present can be easy to recognize. Bullying that is much more difficult to recognize is relational bullying such as shunning, gossip, starting rumors, and leaving peers out on purpose.
• Ignoring bullying will make it go away. Ignoring a bullying situation or being a bystander will make the situation worse. This sends a message that the behavior is acceptable and can further emotionally torment the bullying target.

Knowing that certain populations of children are more likely to be targets of bullying is important information. As adults we can be vigilant, observant and ask questions of our youth. Also of importance is to dispel myths about bullying. It is not a normal or organic behavior. It is a not a character-building exercise or a right of passage. For many adolescents, bullying leaves long-lasting scars and paves the way into anxiety, depression and a multitude of mental and emotional turmoil. It is not time to turn away from bullying targets, but rather listen, comfort and act. Our youth is counting on us now more than ever.

By Dru Ahlborg
Executive Director
Bullying Recovery Resource Center

Colorado Model Bullying Policy
What is it, and What it Means for You

The purpose of the Colorado Department of Education’s (CDE) Model Policy is to provide schools, districts, families, and students with resources, tools, and a common understanding of what constitutes best practice for bullying prevention. The second version of this policy was updated in February 2022 and is slated to be revised every three years. Ultimately a goal of the policy is to support greater reductions in bullying for the students of Colorado.

In 2021, the Colorado General. Assembly passed House Bill 21-1221, Bullying Prevention and Education in Schools, which is also known as Jack and Cait’s Law. BRRC contributed to the authoring of the bill and providing testimony to the Colorado General Assembly to help pass the bill. Jack and Cait’s law addresses the following:

1. The CDE must utilize the stakeholder process to include parents of students who have been bullied when updating the Model Bullying Policy.
2. Requires the Model Bullying Policy to differentiate between conflict, harassment and bullying.
3. Clarify the role of cyberbullying during online instruction.
4. Requires school districts to ensure that their bullying prevention and education policies, at a minimum, incorporate the approaches, policies and practices outlined in the Model Bullying Policy.

The Model Bullying Policy offers definitions of bullying, types of bullying and roles children partake in bullying. Some important items to note are the following:

• “Often, cyberbullying occurs outside of school hours, off school property, and on personal devices. These behaviors are still within the scope of the school to respond to when it affects a student’s welfare, their ability to access their education, and/or the behavior has a nexus, or connection to the school.”

• The distinct difference between conflict and bullying is discussed.

  Conflict = A disagreement in which both sides express their views, they are of equal power, and they generally stop and change behavior when they realize they are hurting someone. 

  Bullying = The goal is to hurt, harm or humiliate, the person who is bullying has more power, and the behavior continues when they realize it is hurting someone.

• The difference between bullying and harassment is discussed. Both bullying and harassment include actions that hurt or harm another person and the target has difficulty stopping the behavior. The difference is when the bullying behavior is directed at a target is also based on a protected class. That behavior may be deemed as harassment and subject to a school board’s harassment policies. (Protected classes include disability, race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, marital status, national origin, religion, ancestry, or the need for special education services whether such characteristic(s) are actual or perceived.)

The Model Policy makes strong suggestions to use best practices in bullying prevention tactics and also makes the distinction of bullying prevention approaches to be avoided. Approaches to be avoided are:

• Zero tolerance policies – These are policies that have a one size fits all approach to any bullying activity.
• Peer mediation – Peer mediation can work for conflict between students, however by the very nature that bullying always involves someone with more power, peer mediation can cause additional harm for the target.
• Group treatment for the students who bully – Bringing students who engage in bullying activity into a single group can reinforce aggressive behavior.
• Simple, short-term solutions – Schools that engage in a one-time assembly on bullying prevention, and not follow it up with long-term solutions and systematic approaches are doing a disservice to their student body.

The newest revision of the Colorado Bullying Prevention and Education Model Policy includes the following key items:

• Prohibited behavior includes bullying, retaliation against an individual who reports an act of bullying and making false accusations of bullying against a group or an individual.

• “Bullying and other behaviors as defined above are prohibited on district property, at district or school sanctioned activities and events, when students are being transported in any vehicle dispatched by the district or one of its schools, or off school property when such conduct has a nexus to school or any district curricular or non-curricular activity or event.”
• “The Superintendent will develop a comprehensive program to address bullying at all school levels and that the program is consistently applied across all students and staff.”
• “Any student who believes they have been a victim of bullying and/or other behaviors prohibited by this policy, or who has witnessed such bullying and/or other prohibited behaviors is strongly encouraged to immediately report it to a school administrator, counselor or teacher.”
• Students who engage in acts of bullying, retaliation or false reporting of bullying are subject to appropriate disciplinary actions. These can include suspension, expulsion, and/or referral to law enforcement.

The Model Policy aids Colorado school districts and superintendents in providing guidelines, definitions, best practices, a flowchart of the investigation process, guidelines as to how investigations are to be conducted, a sample bullying report form and a sample investigation checklist to use.  Since 2001, all Colorado school districts have been required to have a bullying prevention and education policy as part of their safe school plan. At this point, Colorado does not require school districts to submit or review their bullying prevention policy but does require school districts to ensure that their local district policies do incorporate the approaches, policies, and practices outlined in the Model Policy.

By Dru Ahlborg
Executive Director
Bullying Recovery Resource Center

I Thought We Were Friends!

What to do when a friend becomes the bully

“Friends don’t always agree. But they don’t deliberately try to hurt you.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, and that’s how true friends act.” ~ parent of a bullied child

Frenemy is defined in the dictionary as “a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.” The word frenemy is an oxymoron (a figure of speech which is contradictory) and also a merging of the words “friend” and “enemy.” Sometimes frenemy is described as a “competitive friendship.” Personally, it is one of my most disliked words that has been added to our vocabulary. True friends are not enemies. Friends can compete against one another and there is a line that can get crossed when the friendly competition becomes deliberate hurtful behavior. That line crosses into bullying behavior.

The Pacer Organization answers the question, “can my friend be bullying me?”  Their answer is “if you are experiencing treatment from a friend that hurts you and you have asked that friend to stop, but it still continues, then that is not friendship. That behavior could be bullying.”

Both of my kids have been bullied by kids that were once their friends. It is an insidious and hurtful behavior and can cause deep pain, bring up unanswerable questions, and can cause a child to isolate and not trust others. My daughter had a “friend” that wanted her attention and companionship only when the popular kids didn’t want her around. My daughter was told by a group that she wasn’t allowed to sit with the group, was shunned during lunch and on the playground and was the only girl not invited to sleepovers. My son was bullied by former friends as well. Young men who spent the night, played in our backyard and shared dinners with us ended up physically and verbally bullying him. Years later my son will tell you that these boys turning against him was more agonizing than any of the physical bullying he experienced. Friends that turn into bullies almost always involves relational bullying.

Relational bullying is often referred to as social bullying. This form of bullying is generally less overt and not easy to spot, especially by adults. Relational bullying is a breach of trust by people who are supposed to be there for you.  It involves a bully attempting to hurt a peer or that peer’s standing within a particular group. It is a tool that bullies use to improve their social standing in a group and control others.  Gossip, rumors, shunning, gaslighting and ostracizing are common ways a former friend may bully another.

As a parent and caregiver this type of behavior is incredibly difficult to witness. When a child is being bullied by a “friend” or a former friend, it is an opportunity to help your child walk through a difficult time.  Some ideas to consider are:

• Advising your child to not laugh it off. Laughing at another child harassing them gives them license to continue the behavior.
• Suggest your child speak to the “friend.” The conversation should be honest, address how their behavior made your child feel, and be done in a private setting. If the aggressor is a friend, they will apologize and change their behavior. If not, they may become defensive and deny any wrongdoing.
• If your child feels comfortable, they should attempt to stand up for themselves. They can state that the aggressor’s behavior is not okay.
• If the relationship is toxic, help your child walk away from the relationship. Friendships are relationships where we shouldn’t feel criticized, ignored, judged, manipulated, left out or gossiped about.
• Give your child a safe space to talk about how they feel. Losing someone they thought was a friend can bring on a litany of emotions.

This is also an opportunity to talk to your child about positive friendships.  The following list of Bully-Proof Friendship comes from Very Well Family.

• Friends treat others as equals
• Friends are honest and trustworthy
• Friends celebrate each other’s successes
• Friends stand up for each other. (Friends become upstanders for their friends.)
• Friends support other friendships as well
• Friends are real and authentic
• Friends do not engage in peer pressure

Unfortunately, being bullied by a friend is not uncommon.  Recent research from Penn State reports “adolescents and teens may be more likely to be bullied by their friends – and friends of friends – than classmates they don’t know as well.” Children need loving, caring adults to navigate these challenging waters. Learning how to be a good friend is a great first step in cultivating happy, healthy friendships. Caregivers can become a sounding board for their children who are struggling in toxic relationships and encourage them to make choices that help their well-being.

By Dru Ahlborg
Executive Director
Bullying Recovery Resource Center

Bullying Signs and Keeping the Door Open With Your Kids

By Dru Ahlborg BRRC Executive Director

Most school-aged children are starting the second half of their school year.  From my experience as both a Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC as well as a mom, I have witnessed that bullying can increase after the holiday break.  I have also identified children (not just my own) being very reluctant in talking about what is happening to them.  Our oldest child who was tormented in middle-school informed us of his experiences in bite-sized pieces.  It took over two years for him to verbalize all the traumas he experienced.  This unfortunately is very normal.  What follows is an explanation of why children are not always forthcoming with being a target of bullying, signs you should look for that your child is being bullied, and what you can do to make it easier for them to talk with you.

Why Children Don’t Talk About Being Bullied:
Many children won’t tell anyone about being bullied.  Often, we at BRRC tell parents that the job of children is to go to school and to succeed in that endeavor.  Going to school involves not only academic success, but also socializing and getting along with others.  Being a target of bullying can equal to failing at school in the eyes of a child.  We know this is not true and that no child ever deserves to be the target of bullying.  What follows are several reasons why children may not tell you what is really happening to them at school.

• Shame and Embarrassment. Being the target of bullying will cause them to feel powerless or weak.  This in turn can and will create feelings of shame and embarrassment.  Many times, bullying involves something that a child is sensitive about and reporting about that can feel worse than the bullying act.  Children are bullied because of the way they look, their race, their disability and their sexual or gender expression. 
• Fear of Retaliation. Children fear that reporting a bully will not make a difference and/or they feel that they will be subjected to more bullying because of reporting it.
• Concern About Being Believed. Sometimes children that bully are kids that teachers or parents would least suspect.  High-status social bullies are very adept of charming adults in charge and pick their targets with great care.
• Failure to Recognize Bullying. Sometimes bullying isn’t easy to witness, especially relational bullying.  Spreading rumors, ostracizing others, intense teasing and shunning are all types of bullying that are more subtle and sometimes less easy to label as such.

Warning Signs of Bullying:
As parents and caregivers, we know our kids more than anyone else.  It is important to keep an eye out for changes in behaviors.  Barbara Coloroso, BRRC board member and parenting expert offers a great list of possible signs your child may be experiencing bullying.

• Shows an abrupt lack of interest in school or a refusal to go to school
• Takes an unusual route to school
• A drop in grades
• Withdraws from family and school activities and wants to be left alone
• Avoids the lunchroom or eats alone
• Is sad, angry, sullen or scared after receiving a call, an email or a social media message
• Does actions out of character
• Uses derogatory or demeaning language when speaking about peers
• Stops talking about their peers or day to day activities
• Disheveled, torn or missing clothing without explanation
• Physical injuries without an appropriate explanation
• Frequent stomachaches, headaches or panic attacks
• Unable to sleep or sleeps too much
• Creates art that depicts severe emotional distress, turmoil or violence

It is important to be alert to the frequency, duration and intensity of any changes.

How to Make it Easier for Kids to Talk About Bullying:
There are things we can do as parents and caregivers to aid in keeping the lines of communication open with our children.  Confiding in an adult about bullying can be quite scary and it is our job to make it feel safe.

• Listen, listen, listen. I can’t emphasize this enough.  Being a good listener takes practice and a strong intention.  Listening entails keeping our mouths shut and if need be, asking open-ended questions.  Signe Whitson, author, social worker, and school counselor offers stellar listening advice for parents:
  • Give your child complete attention and focus. This includes putting down any technology and turning off any distractions so your child has your undivided attention.
  • Give your child good eye contact. Please note that as a child is discussing something as traumatic as bullying, they may not look at you in the eye.  It is the responsibility of the adult (listener) to provide the eye contact. 
  • Be open-minded. Focus on letting your child speak without judgement or assuming you know what they will disclose to you.
  • Listen with support and empathy. Affirm to your child that you support them and you honor the strength it takes to talk about the bullying.  Empathize that going forward they will not have to carry their burden alone.
• Let your child know that you will come up with ideas and plans together to walk through the bullying. Let them know you are in partnership going forward.
• Be calm.
• Express sympathy. “I am sorry this is happening to you,” can have a profound impact on a child who is a target of bullying.
• Make sure you follow up with your child.

Bullying is an act that makes the target feel isolated and alone.  Feelings of self-doubt, humiliation and terror can occur and can cause a child to not want to seek help or report bullying.  As adults, it is our job to observe, ask questions, and become partners with them to solve what they are experiencing.  Signe Whitson recommends that parents of a bullied child pull out their superhero capes and be prepared to help their child move through and recover from bullying.  Our kids our counting on us. 

If your child’s school is not stopping the bullying after you have reported it, please contact Bullying Recovery Resource Center (BRRC).  We are dedicated to providing resources, education and advocacy needed to stop bullying and stem the long-term effects that bullying has on its targets.