“Not Cool!” And Other Tools to Stop a Bully in Their Tracks

Standing up to a bully and being an upstander for others can be downright terrifying for children.  It takes tremendous courage, timing and very likely practice to be effective.  In the heat of the moment it could be incredibly helpful to be armed with a few phrases to quickly grab and use against the tormentor.

Bullying stops in less than 10 seconds, 57% of the time when someone intervenes on behalf of the victim.

Signe Whitson is a nationally recognized author and educator on bullying prevention.  Adapted from her STANding up to Bullying, she offers the following phrases for children to use.  These short, to-the-point exclamations inform the aggressor that not only they will not participate in bullying behavior, but they will not be bullied either.  She recommends that children practice a few select phrases that are comfortable and genuine for them to use.  Furthermore, practicing and delivering these phrases should be done in an assertive manner and not through tears or whining.  Assertive phrases are not meant to put down or attack the bully, but rather show a strength of character and/or concern for the target.

• “Friends don’t treat each other that way.”
• “I need a friend that will treat me/others kindly.”
• “Not cool!”
• “Knock it off!”
• “Cut it out!”
• “Stop it!”
• “I don’t want to be treated that way. / I don’t want you to treat him/her that way.”
• “I like the way I look. I like the way he/she looks.”
• “That’s not funny.”
• “I can take a joke, but what you said was not funny – it was mean.”
• “Friends don’t do that to friends.”
• “That’s bullying.”

It is important to coach our children about how to respond to inappropriate behavior from others.  It is never ok for any child to be bullied.  Ultimately, it is up to adults to STOP the bullying. Coaching children with powerful, assertive phrases can build confidence and can be a tool to stop inappropriate and bullying behavior.

Vigilance against Cyberbullying:

Just because school is suspended and we are all staying at home doesn’t mean that bullying has stopped.  As we move the classroom and the school yard from schools to on-line, we move the bullies there as well.  Now more than ever, we need to monitor our children’s online activities.

Cyberbullying is defined by Stopbullying.gov as:

”Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices like cell phones, computers, and tablets. Cyberbullying can occur through SMS, Text, and apps, or online in social media, forums, or gaming where people can view, participate in, or share content. Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behavior.”

Oversight should not slow down as more and more conversations are moving to texting and social media platforms like Snapchat, Instagram, and Tik Tok.  Further, as parents, we must be concerned that our children are on new apps like Google Hangout and/or Zoom.  Some schools are delivering content over these platforms which means that our children could be recorded for the entire school day by a potential bully in their class.  Schools, parents and children need to learn that the technology has a block video screen and a mute button, so they can protect themselves from having potentially embarrassing content recorded.  Further, schools should understand the potential FERPA violations as students are constantly on video and can be recorded.

In Barbara Coloroso’s Book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander, she references “Teens and the Screen Study: Exploring Online Privacy, Social Networking and Cyberbullying” conducted by McAfee, a subsidiary of Intel Security in 2014.  The top five recommendations that study offers about online forums and protecting children are as follows:

1. Connect with your kids. Casually talk to them about the risks of all online connections and make sure the communication lines are open.
2. Gain access. Parents should have passwords for their children’s social media accounts and passcodes to their children’s devices to have full access at any given moment.
3. Learn their Technology. Stay one step ahead and take the time to research the various devices your kids use. You want to know more about their devices than they do.
4. Get Social. Stay knowledgeable about the newest and latest social networks. [And I would add apps to the list.] You don’t have to create an account but it is important to understand how they work and if your kids are on them. (This would include new platforms like Google Hangout and Zoom)
5. Reputation Management. Make sure your kids are aware anything they post online doesn’t have an expiration date.  I would also add to explain to your children that they can be filmed or recorded without their knowledge.

COVID 19 has changed our world.  By being proactive, honest and vigilant we can get through this together and safer both in the world and online.

6 Tips for Parents to Report Bullying

Adapted from Addressing and Preventing Classroom Bullying

by Barbara Coloroso

Because most bullying occurs under the radar, as parents and caregivers, you may be the first to know what is happening to your child. You can be allies in the effort to intervene. It is important that we have a procedure parents and guardians can follow and that children know they will be listened to and taken seriously.

Here are 6 steps you can take to report bullying:

1. Arrange a meeting for you and your child with the appropriate person at the school. This could be the teacher, a counselor, assistant principal or principal.

2. Bring to the meeting the facts in writing – date, time, place, people involved, specifics of the incidents – and the effect the bullying has had on the target as well as what he or she has done to try to stop the bullying that didn’t work.

3. Be willing to work with your child and educators on a plan that addresses what your child needs to feel safe, what he or she can do to avoid being bullied or to stand up to any future bullying, and whom he or she can go to for help.

4. Find out what procedures the bully will be going through and what kind of support the school expects from the bully’s parents.

5. Set up a time when the parent, student, and educator will review the plan to see if it is working or needs to be adapted.

6. If you feel the problem is not adequately addressed by the school, express your concerns and let the teacher or administrator know that you will take it to the school district board office and if necessary – especially in cases of serious abuse or racist or sexual bullying – to the police (in the U.S., you can contact the U.S. Department of Education Office for Civil Rights).

Bullying Recovery Resource Center is always an option for guidance, support, and advocacy. Our mission is to defend bullied children and support their families in recovery. We are available as a resource for questions about how to report bullying and navigate the process. If you need support, please call 303-991-1397.

Resilience and resiliency have become major buzzwords in mental health communities, especially those dealing with children.  I have taken objection to this definition as I feel that it can be incredibly difficult for children who are relentlessly and severely traumatized to simply “recover quickly” and “spring back into shape” after being a victim of bullying.  I meet children who have literally been through hell enduring bullying of all kinds – physical, verbal, relational and cyber.  Asking a child to become resilient feels like blaming the victim and to come back to their original state seems near impossible.

In 2003, authors Henderson and Milstein expanded the definition of resilience as “the capacity to spring back, rebound, successfully adapt in the face of adversity, and develop social and academic competence despite exposure to severe stress…or the stress of today’s world.”  This feels a bit more achievable and encompassing.

Healing, recovery and resiliency are the goals for children we aid in the BRRC Peer Recovery Groups. Our groups enable children to learn from each other, honor their peers, learn skills to help with their recovery, work on service projects, and more than anything to have fun. The ultimate goal is to assist and watch bullied victims heal, recover and move on to a role of an upstander.  The Oxford definition of upstander states, “a person who speaks or acts in support of an individual or cause, particularly someone who intervenes on behalf of a person being attacked or bullied.”  The world needs more upstanders.

I had the opportunity to attend a workshop titled Bullying/Cyberbullying and Resilience.  The presenter, Dr. Ryan Broll, PhD researched this topic extensively by interviewing persons who had experienced bullying in their past.  One fourth of the interviewees experienced long-term consequences from their bullying experiences whereas three-quarters felt like they had experienced some resiliency and recovery from the bullying in their past.

Dr Broll’s research revealed three key findings about resiliency with these young adults.

• Quality of friendships.  Notice it is quality and not quantity of friendships.  Even one close, intimate, and special friend is capable of aiding a bullying victim on the way to recovery.
• Parents who listen and support.  Dr Broll expressed that parents who asked open-ended questions of their children, who took the time to listen and ask their children how they feel can and do make a profound impact on the recovery of their children.
• A teacher who genuinely cares can be life changing.  The teacher who engages and takes a genuine interest in their students can be paramount in helping a child recover and learn to trust others again.

My personal belief is that after experiencing trauma, resiliency and returning to a former state of being is darn near impossible.  The good news is that with a few key people engaged in a victim’s life, recovery is achievable.  A bullied child who has adults and peers who engage and care with them has a much higher probability of moving beyond their experience.  At times, these young people can move beyond their former selves into a state of advocating and helping others.

Will you join me in speaking up and becoming an upstander? Each month we will share stories and strategies that will support you in helping us build a community – no a WORLD – of upstanders. Together we will make being an upstander and intervening the norm.

Thank you for being a part of the solution!