“Gossiping and lying go hand in hand.” – Proverb

Minimizing rumors and gossip can be an incredibly valuable skill for kids especially during middle school when this behavior peaks. The strategies discussed below should be followed in order for them to be most effective.  The following is adapted from the PEERS® social skills training intervention program curriculum.

Don’t try to disprove the rumor

This can be quite difficult as our natural instinct is to deny a rumor about ourselves.  Disproving or arguing about the rumor could actually start a new rumor about us being upset.

Don’t appear upset

This again can be quite difficult as it is logical that we would be upset and that emotion could add fuel to rumor.

Don’t confront the person spreading the gossip

Once again, confronting the person starting the rumor could cause more damage and enable them to feel justified to spread even more rumors.

Avoid the person spreading the gossip

Being around the person spreading the gossip can start additional rumors of how you couldn’t look them in the eye or how you gave them the evil eye.

Act amazed anyone cares or believes the gossip

Your peers are watching to see your reaction.  Let them know you really don’t care whether the gossip is true or not.

If it is true, you could say:

• “Why would anyone care about that?”
• “People need to get a life!”

If it is not true, you could say:

• “Who would believe that?”
• “People are so gullible.”

Spread the rumor about yourself

This requires you to be proactive and not wait for your peers to ask you about the rumor.  This requires three steps:

Acknowledge the rumor exists

• “Have you heard this about me?”

Discredit and make fun of the rumor

• “How lame!”
•  “How stupid is that one?”

Act amazed anyone would believe or care about the rumor

• “Can you believe anyone cares about that?”
•  “People need to seriously get a life and find something else to talk about.”
• “It’s amazing what some people will believe.”

Practicing these steps can help a teen navigate and minimize the effects of rumors and gossip.  For more information about PEERS® and their evidence-based social skills programs and bootcamps, go to their website.

Bullying stops in less than 10 seconds, 57% of the time when someone intervenes on behalf of the victim.

Signe Whitson is a nationally recognized author and educator on bullying prevention.  Adapted from her STANding up to Bullying, she offers the following phrases for children to use.  These short, to-the-point exclamations inform the aggressor that not only they will not participate in bullying behavior, but they will not be bullied either.  She recommends that children practice a few select phrases that are comfortable and genuine for them to use.  Furthermore, practicing and delivering these phrases should be done in an assertive manner and not through tears or whining.  Assertive phrases are not meant to put down or attack the bully, but rather show a strength of character and/or concern for the target.

• “Friends don’t treat each other that way.”
• “I need a friend that will treat me/others kindly.”
• “Not cool!”
• “Knock it off!”
• “Cut it out!”
• “Stop it!”
• “I don’t want to be treated that way. / I don’t want you to treat him/her that way.”
• “I like the way I look. I like the way he/she looks.”
• “That’s not funny.”
• “I can take a joke, but what you said was not funny – it was mean.”
• “Friends don’t do that to friends.”
• “That’s bullying.”

It is important to coach our children about how to respond to inappropriate behavior from others.  It is never ok for any child to be bullied.  Ultimately, it is up to adults to STOP the bullying. Coaching children with powerful, assertive phrases can build confidence and can be a tool to stop inappropriate and bullying behavior.

Cyberbullying is defined by Stopbullying.gov as:

”Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place over digital devices like cell phones, computers, and tablets. Cyberbullying can occur through SMS, Text, and apps, or online in social media, forums, or gaming where people can view, participate in, or share content. Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behavior.”

Oversight should not slow down as more and more conversations are moving to texting and social media platforms like Snapchat, Instagram, and Tik Tok.  Further, as parents, we must be concerned that our children are on new apps like Google Hangout and/or Zoom.  Some schools are delivering content over these platforms which means that our children could be recorded for the entire school day by a potential bully in their class.  Schools, parents and children need to learn that the technology has a block video screen and a mute button, so they can protect themselves from having potentially embarrassing content recorded.  Further, schools should understand the potential FERPA violations as students are constantly on video and can be recorded.

In Barbara Coloroso’s Book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander, she references “Teens and the Screen Study: Exploring Online Privacy, Social Networking and Cyberbullying” conducted by McAfee, a subsidiary of Intel Security in 2014.  The top five recommendations that study offers about online forums and protecting children are as follows:

1. Connect with your kids. Casually talk to them about the risks of all online connections and make sure the communication lines are open.
2. Gain access. Parents should have passwords for their children’s social media accounts and passcodes to their children’s devices to have full access at any given moment.
3. Learn their Technology. Stay one step ahead and take the time to research the various devices your kids use. You want to know more about their devices than they do.
4. Get Social. Stay knowledgeable about the newest and latest social networks. [And I would add apps to the list.] You don’t have to create an account but it is important to understand how they work and if your kids are on them. (This would include new platforms like Google Hangout and Zoom)
5. Reputation Management. Make sure your kids are aware anything they post online doesn’t have an expiration date.  I would also add to explain to your children that they can be filmed or recorded without their knowledge.

COVID 19 has changed our world.  By being proactive, honest and vigilant we can get through this together and safer both in the world and online.

Adapted from Addressing and Preventing Classroom Bullying

by Barbara Coloroso

Because most bullying occurs under the radar, as parents and caregivers, you may be the first to know what is happening to your child. You can be allies in the effort to intervene. It is important that we have a procedure parents and guardians can follow and that children know they will be listened to and taken seriously.

Here are 6 steps you can take to report bullying:

1. Arrange a meeting for you and your child with the appropriate person at the school. This could be the teacher, a counselor, assistant principal or principal.

2. Bring to the meeting the facts in writing – date, time, place, people involved, specifics of the incidents – and the effect the bullying has had on the target as well as what he or she has done to try to stop the bullying that didn’t work.

3. Be willing to work with your child and educators on a plan that addresses what your child needs to feel safe, what he or she can do to avoid being bullied or to stand up to any future bullying, and whom he or she can go to for help.

4. Find out what procedures the bully will be going through and what kind of support the school expects from the bully’s parents.

5. Set up a time when the parent, student, and educator will review the plan to see if it is working or needs to be adapted.

6. If you feel the problem is not adequately addressed by the school, express your concerns and let the teacher or administrator know that you will take it to the school district board office and if necessary – especially in cases of serious abuse or racist or sexual bullying – to the police (in the U.S., you can contact the U.S. Department of Education Office for Civil Rights).

Bullying Recovery Resource Center is always an option for guidance, support, and advocacy. Our mission is to defend bullied children and support their families in recovery. We are available as a resource for questions about how to report bullying and navigate the process. If you need support, please call 303-991-1397.