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Supporting Your Bullied Child

Supporting Your Bullied Child

by | Sep 17, 2024 | BLOG

How to be Helpful When Your Child is Being Bullied

 

Your child comes home and you notice something is different…something feels off. They may not be forthcoming with what is going on. You may notice they are more angry, spend more time alone, appear depressed or don’t want to eat. They may or may not tell you much of anything, even when you repeatedly ask. They may only tell you a little. They may be a target of bullying.

Children oftentimes don’t tell their parents they are being bullied. There are many potential reasons why:

  • They are ashamed
  • They fear retaliation if they tell someone
  • They told an adult at school and the adult didn’t help them
  • They don’t believe you can help them
  • They believe they have done something to deserve the bullying
  • They believe that bullying is just part of growing up

Our experience with our son and the experience of many families we have supported is that the child only tells his caretakers about some of the torments they are experiencing. It can come out gradually. It wasn’t until about 6 months after my son was removed from his school did we learn about the daily physical bullying he endured.

Playing detective with our children seems to be an important part of parenthood. It is important as a caretaker to take notice of actions your child may be exhibiting. Bullying can cause big changes in our children. Some things to be on the lookout for are:

  • An abrupt lack of interest in school or a refusal to attend school
  • A sudden drop in grades
  • Wanting to withdraw from activities
  • Wanting to be left alone
  • Appears depressed
  • Begins using derogatory and demeaning language about their peers
  • Physical injuries not consistent with their explanation
  • Stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks
  • Big changes in sleep

Obtaining information from a child who is in crisis can be challenging. It is a good time to ask open-ended questions that don’t require a yes or no answer. Ask about who your child had lunch with, what is their least favorite class and why, and who they hung out with on the playground. The car drive home from school with my son was where he first began talking about being bullied.

We also strongly suggest that if your child comes to you to talk about being bullied, the best thing you can do is listen. It is time to close the computer, put the phone on silent and turn off the TV. It can been incredibly frightening and emotional to hear our child expressing the bullying they are enduring. Here are some “do’s” to help your child immediately.

  • Let them know you hear them, you believe them and that they are not alone in walking through this.
  • Assure you child that it is not their fault. They did nothing to deserve to be bullied.
  • Assure them that together you will go through this. Let them know they are not alone.
  • Report the bullying incident(s) to the school. We recommend to always report in writing. Even if the incident(s) were reported in person, follow up with an email.

Just as important to have appropriate, helpful “do’s”, there are specific “don’ts” to avoid.

  • Don’t minimize, rationalize or explain away the bullying behavior.
  • Don’t rush to solve the problem. Take the time to listen, to hear the concerns your child may have, and work through the bullying together.
  • Don’t tell your child to avoid or ignore the bully. This sends a message that your child did something wrong. Once again, your child did nothing to deserve this.
  • It isn’t a good idea to confront the child who is bullying or his parents alone. It is best to work through the school.

Bullying can have an extreme impact on the entire family. The more quickly and calmly it is reported and addressed, the better. Every bullying incident should be reported. If your child’s school isn’t addressing the bullying or isn’t taking any action, please reach out to us. We are here to support, listen, advocate and help. No child deserves to be bullied.

“There ain’t no hood like parenthood” – author unknown

BIG NEWS

BIG NEWS

by | Aug 7, 2024 | BLOG

Welcome our new Board Chair Miles Shelffo


We are thrilled to announce a pivotal moment in the journey of Bullying Recovery Resource Center (BRRC) as we announce our newly elected Board Chairperson, Miles Shelffo. With a deep commitment to our mission and extensive experience spanning over three decades in Banking, Finance, Real Estate, and Consulting, Miles brings invaluable leadership to our organization.

Miles Shelffo’s dedication to combating bullying and supporting bullying targets aligns perfectly with our goals of fostering a safe and inclusive environment for all. His vision, experience and strategic insights will undoubtedly propel us forward as we continue to expand our outreach and impact and support more bullying targets and their families.

Please join us in extending a warm welcome to Miles. Together, under his guidance, we look forward to achieving greater milestones in our mission to empower those impacted by bullying, promote a culture of empathy and understanding and defend bullied children and help rebuild lives.
 

“A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be.” – Rosalynn Carter

Learn More about Miles
Kindness

Kindness

by | Jul 1, 2024 | BLOG

Written by Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

KINDNESS

Let it Become Your Superpower

 

Kindness is kind of a big deal around here at BRRC. Kindness makes the world a better place. Being kind helps everyone around feel safe, comfortable and understood.  A kind person thinks about the needs and concerns of others. Kind people volunteer, they help others, and they contemplate issues that impact their community. Individuals who exhibit compassionate thinking and generous acts will also demonstrate kindness. However, probably most important is that kindness is considered to be the psychological opposite to bullying and victimization.  

Teaching kindness in schools is crucial as it fosters empathy, compassion, and a sense of community among students.  Kindness can be both instinctual and can also be learned.  Stopbullying.gov tells us that there are key elements in teaching kindness in schools:

  • Include gratitude activities
  • Include volunteer activities or service learning
  • Include students to develop activities to help others
  • Facilitate respectful conversations
  • Generate open-ended discussion questions
  • Encourage working together
  • Teach and model naming and expressing emotions

The outcomes of teaching kindness with students are astounding. Stopbullying.gov states that when elementary students are taught kindness, they are more empathic, more socially aware and connected, and they receive higher grades too.  Young children tend to help each other and that desire to help seems innate.  They do so without an expectation of praise as the act itself has the built-in reward of feeling useful.  Children who engage in acts of kindness tend to be more connected, have higher levels of peer acceptance and are less likely to bully others.  Kindness helps children in particular see how they are similar rather than how they are different.

In Signe Whitson’s book 8 Keys to End Bullying, she advises “instead of the focus on all of the Thou Shalt Nots of bullying, student-led initiatives can promote building school cultures of respect by encouraging fun ways that kids can show kindness to each other.  The trick in these sorts of initiatives is making sure that the students who would benefit from kindness the most do not end up left out in the cold, while students who already enjoy high social status shower each other with adoration.  Adults play a key role in making sure that acts of kindness for some do not end up functioning as acts of exclusion for others.”
Kindness is deeply intertwined with physical and mental health.  The positive impacts of kindness include:

  • Pain – Endorphins are released in the brain which is a natural painkiller.
  • Stress – Kind people age slower and have lower stress.
  • Anxiety and Depression – Kindness will improve mood, depression and anxiety.  Kindness will stimulate the production of serotonin which will heal wounds and increase happiness.
  • Blood Pressure – Blood pressure can be reduced through acts of kindness.  The hormone oxytocin is released which causes another chemical, nitric oxide, to increase which will dilate blood vessels and reduce blood pressure.
  • Pleasure – Dopamine is released in elevated levels which causes the brain’s pleasure/reward centers to light up.  (This is sometimes referred to as a “helper’s high.”)
  • Self-Worth – Kindness will cause one to feel good about themselves and thus increase their self-worth.
  • Relationships – Kindness reduces the distance between individuals thus improving relationships of all types.

The benefits of kindness are endless.  Kindness can be taught and modeled to others.  It is contagious.  Experiencing an act of kindness can improve our mood and also increase the likelihood of spreading that kindness to others.  Individuals who perform acts of kindness are much less likely to bully others.  Kindness causes happiness and joy. The act of kindness not only positively impacts the giver and receiver, but anyone who witnesses it.  

“Kindness shouldn’t have to be earned. It should be given freely.” – Raven Kennedy

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.” – Kahlil Gibran

 

I Thought We Were Friends!

I Thought We Were Friends!

by | Jun 21, 2024 | BLOG

What Happened? I Thought we Were Friends!

How to spot it and what to do as a parent.

Written by Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

Frenemy is defined in the dictionary as “a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.” The word frenemy is an oxymoron (a figure of speech which is contradictory) and also a merging of the words “friend” and “enemy.”  Frenemy is often used to describe a “competitive friendship.” Personally, frenemy one of my most disliked words that has been added to our vocabulary. True friends are not enemies. Friends can compete against one another and also respect their friend and want them to succeed as well. When a line gets crossed and the friendly competition becomes deliberate hurtful behavior, then the relationship is not longer “friendly.” The relationship now includes an intent to harm and leads into bullying behavior.
 
The Pacer Organization answers the question, “can my friend be bullying me?”  Their answer is “if you are experiencing treatment from a friend that hurts you and you have asked that friend to stop, but it still continues, then that is not friendship. That behavior could be bullying.”
 
Both of my kids have been bullied by kids that were once their friends. It is an insidious and hurtful behavior and can cause deep pain, bring up unanswerable questions, and can cause a child to isolate and not trust others. My daughter had a “friend” that wanted her attention and companionship only when the popular kids didn’t want her around. My daughter was told by a group that she wasn’t allowed to sit with the group, was shunned during lunch and on the playground and was the only girl not invited to sleepovers. My son was bullied by former friends as well. Young men who spent the night, played in our backyard and shared dinners with us ended up physically and verbally bullying my son. The recovery from that type of betrayal is brutal. Years later my son will tell you that these boys turning against him was more agonizing than any of the physical bullying he endured.

Friends that turn into bullies almost always involves relational bullying. Relational bullying is often referred to as social bullying. This form of bullying is generally less overt and not easy to spot, especially by adults. Relational bullying is a breach of trust by people who are supposed to be there for you.  It involves a child engaging in bullying behavior attempting to hurt a peer or that peer’s standing within a particular group. It is a tool that kids who bully others use to improve their social standing in a group and control others.  Gossip, rumors, shunning, gaslighting and ostracizing are common ways a former friend may bully another.
 
As a parent and caregiver this type of behavior is incredibly difficult to witness. When a child is being bullied by a “friend” or a former friend, it is an opportunity to help your child walk through a difficult time.  Some ideas to consider are:

  • Advising your child to not laugh it off.  Laughing at another child harassing them gives them license to continue the behavior.
  • Suggest your child speak to the “friend.” The conversation should be honest, address how their behavior made your child feel, and be done in a private setting. If the aggressor is a friend, they will apologize and change their behavior. If not, they may become defensive and deny any wrongdoing.
  • If your child feels comfortable, they should attempt to stand up for themselves. They can state that the aggressor’s behavior is not okay. Consider role-playing with you child to determine how it will feel for them to say it.
  • If the relationship is toxic, help your child walk away from the relationship. Friendships are relationships where we shouldn’t feel criticized, ignored, judged, manipulated, left out or gossiped about.
  • Give your child a safe space to talk about how they feel. Losing someone they thought was a friend can bring on a litany of emotions. 

This is also an opportunity to talk to your child about positive friendships.  The following list of Bully-Proof Friendship comes from Very Well Family.  

  • Friends treat others as equals
  • Friends are honest and trustworthy
  • Friends celebrate each other’s successes
  • Friends stand up for each other. (Friends will be upstanders for their friends.)
  • Friends support other friendships as well
  • Friends are real and authentic
  • Friends do no engage in peer pressure

Unfortunately, being bullied by a friend is not uncommon.  Recent research from Penn State reports “adolescents and teens may be more likely to be bullied by their friends – and friends of friends – than classmates they don’t know as well.” Children need loving, caring adults to navigate these challenging waters. Learning how to be a good friend is a great first step in cultivating happy, healthy friendships. Caregivers can become a sounding board for their children who are struggling in toxic relationships and encourage them to make choices that help their well-being.

“Friends don’t always agree. But they don’t deliberately try to hurt you.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, and that’s how true friends act.” ~ Parent of a Bullied Child

Become an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Champion

Become an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) Champion

by | May 18, 2024 | BLOG

Written by Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

The American Psychiatric Association defines Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as “a complex developmental condition involving persistent challenges with social communication, restricted interests and repetitive behavior. While autism is considered a lifelong disorder, the degree of impairment in functioning because of these challenges varies between individuals with autism.” Autismspeaks.org adds “because autism is a spectrum disorder, each person with autism has a distinct set of strengths and challenges.”

*Nearly two-thirds (63%) of ASD youth have been bullied.
* Autism impacts all ethnic and socioeconomic groups.
*In 2023, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimated that 1 in 36 children has been identified with ASD.

Why are ASD children targeted for bullying?

  • ASD children have difficulties reading social cues.
  • They struggle understanding common social conventions and have challenges with sarcasm.
  • Children with ASD may not notice or understand the intentions of their peers.
  • They can take things too literally.
  • They have trouble entering peer groups.

There are strategies available to disrupt the bullying of ASD children. They can be addressed in three different areas: bullying prevention, teacher strategies, and parenting strategies.

Bullying Prevention:
To be effective at bullying prevention, two separate items need to be addressed. The first is to address the needs of the ASD community and the second is to address the attitude and environment that leads to bullying.

  • ASD children can be coached about different forms of bullying including unhealthy relationships and unhealthy romantic relationships. Strategies for children can be put in place which include speaking to a trusted teacher or adult at school about bullying incidents and learning self-advocacy skills and asking for intervention from adults in charge.
  • All school personnel should be educated about the characteristics of ASD and how to best interact with your child. Students should be taught about autism and be encouraged to create a culture of inclusion and kindness. A school that has a culture of kindness will reduce the incidents of bullying.
  • In schools, assigning proactive hallway monitors and adult buddies to autistic students will reduce opportunities for bullying during the most chaotic and least structured parts of the day.

Teacher Strategies:
Educators are the front-line of defense for children who are targeted for bullying. Below are some ideas teachers should employ to help protect children with ASD.

  • Teachers should know and follow the outlined procedures of the school or district about addressing bullying behavior.
  • Encourage a student who has been bullied to talk about what happened. If the student cannot verbalize it encourage the child to write about or draw the event.
  • When a teacher witnesses bullying they should immediately step up and step in between the parties. It is the adult’s responsibility to stop bullying.
  • Meet with the child who has been bullied in a safe place and provide support and talk about what happened. Speak to any other students who may be witnesses and ask them what happened.

Bullying Prevention for Parents:
It is vital that parents and caregivers of ASD children act at the first sign of their child being bullied. Many children, and especially autistic students may not readily speak up to their parents and let them know they have been targeted for harassment and bullying. Telling signs that a child may be a target of bullying can include an unwillingness to go to school, an abrupt change in routine, stress or anxiety, a decline in academic performance, an inability to maintain focus, torn clothes or damaged items or unexplained cuts and bruises. Parents can take measures listed below.

  • Visit the school often – primarily as an observer.
  • Have frequent conversations with your child and ask open-ended questions. Great examples include: “Who did you sit with at lunch? Which friends did you talk with today? What is your least favorite class and why?”
  • Develop open communication channels with your child’s teachers and ask them frequently about you child’s interactions during school.
  • Offer to teach school administrators and staff about the characteristics of autism.
  • Speak to teachers about your child’s specific strengths and challenges.
  • If you suspect your child may be bullied, report it to the school and follow-up.
  • Include bullying in your child’s IEP. Social skills and self-advocacy goals should be addressed in the IEP as well.
  • Ask the school to help find a buddy for your child. One kind friend to help an ASD child through the day will greatly help especially during less structured parts of the school day.
  • Mentor your child and highlight their strengths. Help build their self-esteem. Let them know they are not inferior to any other child.

Addressing the intersection of ASD and bullying is not just a matter of awareness; it’s a call to action for empathy, understanding, and proactive intervention. By fostering inclusive environments, educating communities, and empowering individuals with autism to embrace their unique strengths, we can create a world where differences are celebrated, not targeted. If you need additional help, have questions, or if your child is being bullied and the school isn’t responsive, please contact us.

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences.” – Audre Lorde, advocate

“Autism is not a disability, it’s a different ability. That’s all.” – Stuart Duncan

Stories of Hope

Stories of Hope

by | Apr 22, 2024 | BLOG

Stories of Hope

Written by Dru Ahlborg, Co-Founder and Executive Director of BRRC

Our organization, Bullying Recovery Resource Center (BRRC) defends bullied children and helps rebuild lives. We stand shoulder to shoulder with families deeply impacted from bullying to work together to surround the bullied child and hold the school responsible to stop the bullying. We work with families across the state of Colorado to offer experience, expertise, education, advocacy and HOPE. We often attend to families who are traumatized, angry and confused.  What follows are a few brief stories of clients and the eventual hope they experienced. (The names of the children identified below have been changed to protect their identities.)

  • One of the first families we helped had a middle-school student who was terrified to go to school. Belle is a highly intelligent child who was relentlessly verbally and physically bullied during passing periods and on her way home from school. She eventually developed mental health struggles and had great difficulties attending school. Even after we assisted obtaining a restraining order against the girl who bullied her, other children took up the charge and the bullying continued. Belle’s mother made the hard decision to remove her from the school and move to another community over an hour away. This August we received a picture and a thank you from the Belle’s mother. Belle was photographed smiling in her freshman dorm room and was eager to start her next adventure.
  • We assisted a family who had an 8th-grader, Jacob, with special needs who experienced extreme relational bullying. Students started rumors about him. Jacob was bullied online and was verbally abused. Students would pretend to become his friend only to turn on him. He was humiliated at a school dance. With our help and the tenacity of his parents, Jacob began to receive the services he needed to excel at school. About two years later BRRC received an email from his mother as she awaited outside as he was being interviewed for a job he was excited to be considered for. He ended up getting the job and became a valued employee of a speciality coffee shop.
  • Clair’s mom found BRRC online as she was desperate to help her daughter. Clair was a high school senior who had aspirations of attending an Ivy League college the following year. Clair was racially bullied for being bi-racial and was the topic of horrific rumors started by several students in her grade. The school was not willing to follow through on stopping the bullying and Clair was able to finish her senior year online. Clair was safe, and incredibly sad that the school had failed to adequately address the bullying. During the holiday break of the following year, Clair contacted BRRC to state that she was loving her freshman year of college at a prestigious university. Clair sent BRRC pictures with her new friends that she had learned to trust.

One of our key performance indicators is hope. Outcomes of our work range from the school addressing the bullying to the school attacking the family who is speaking up. Through the process of empowering parents of bullied children, we strongly emphasize that no child ever deserves to be bullied, and that they are worth advocating for. Even when the outcomes are not optimal, the bullied child learns that someone other than their family is taking up the fight. They are important, they feel less alone and ultimately at some point they have an opportunity to experience hope.

If you know a child who is being targeted for bullying, and the school isn’t addressing the problem appropriately or at all, please contact us. We are committed to building a community of support to help families rebuild and recover together.

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” — Martin Luther King Jr.